Chase, Cole and Caroline: What happened to my babies?

Child, give me your hand that I may walk in the light of your faith in me. - Hannah Kahn

Quick now, only in this moment is anything, whether it is our children or the fluctuations of our own mind, to be seen or felt or heard. But that can only happen if we are willing to pay exquisite attention and be present and completely available, to look, and listen and remain open. Otherwise, countless opportunities for seeing and for relating to our children can remain opaque to us. - Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn

my one thousand gifts

sweaty little boy necks - eighty degrees in early april - grandma's porch swing with my son - "your mammogram was normal" - dinner outside - breakfast outside - thunder and lightning in the middle of the night - waking up from dreams that i'm still in law school - stretches before sunrise - a morning spent cutting up fruit that hasn't been available for the last six months - baby lettuces poking up through the dirt - hot rooibos tea with lemon on april days that turn cold - stale homemade bread for french toast - irish oatmeal in the crockpot before dawn - the smell of caroline's hair in the morning - fluffy white trees - a daughter asking for sliced tomato and kiwi for breakfast - kitchen dance parties after dinner - an extremely grouchy morning derailed by the discovery of three beautiful kids snuggled up in my bed saying "mom, get in!" - chocolate pecan coconut brownies in the oven - colorcoded antibiotics - the promise of peonies - an evening freed up by rained out sports events - a child singing under his breath in the car, unawares - the rhythmic caress of the comb during a haircut - pink cardboard bakery boxes - caroline stopping for a visceral embrace of her brother as she runs from one room to another - the squirrel resting his hand on the backdoor, signaling he wants his breakfast - dried cherries and pistachios - feeling in the silence the communal rise and fall of little sleeping bellies - the lazy drone of the hamster wheel - pink roses on white tablecloth - preschool teachers - steady meditative slicing of tomatoes while two children nap - dogwood blooms - sun blasting through storm clouds - the way usborne books feel in my hands - shirtless chase reading to me as i clean up breakfast dishes - caroline's baby dinosaur voice - the startling coo of a dove that's landed on the window sill just inches from where i'm rocking caroline - aztec hot chocolate after cold rainy 8 a.m. baseball games - sleeping with two warm little bodies pressed against mine - tiny green caterpillars - the sound of no traffic - continental breakfast - insomnia in a hotel when it allows me to be awake for a whispered "oh hi mommy! i love you" before he drifts back to sleep - a two year old pace forcing me to notice the breeze through the blossoms and the lazy bees - white chocolate lambs - impromptu water gun fights - doves roosting in pink blooms - the surprising green of may - the honeycomb smell of cole's pillow - early morning mist on the field, sunrise pink - little blonde bit of first haircut - rich scrambled eggs from chickens that run around and eat grass and bugs - watering my vegetables - an unexpected new azalea in the backyard - putting summer activities on the calendar - little legs splattered in paint - mommy i need my inhayluhs - finally learning not to hurry - cake for no reason - caroline saying "um, let me fink" when i ask her a question - cole's little shoulder in his sleeveless white tee-shirt - caterpillar to cocoon, waiting, waiting - 6am on the deck with coffee - tim back in his spot on my left after a week out of town - counting days until birthdays, swimming pool, viva vienna - cole's quiet eye-crinkling joy at seeing his poppy - honeysuckle in the air at soccer practice - caroline and her best friend, snuggled up on my lap looking at pictures on the camera - dappled early morning sunlight on the deck railing - dancing to michael jackson as i unload the dishwasher, and catching the kids doing the same out on the deck- the closest friend, always easy to be with - lightning bugs glimmering along grass and bushes - lightning bugs just on the other side of the dining room window as i type - mohawks for summer - unexpected achievements - five year old hands making heart shapes at each other during tearful goodbyes - pinot noir with late evening laundry - noisy cicadas - the sun up when i'm exercising - pool hair - northern virginia traffic from the i-66 shutdown leaving us "stranded" at the pool - mockingbirds - summer reading lists - ice cream sandwiches - naptime - catching slugs with leopard print heads - temporary hair color - sparklers - living in a neighborhood where a little free-range parenting is actually possible - remembering the gifts when i've been mired in self pity - fat peaches perfectly in season - remembering to overlook the mess when cole is building a 'music machine' out of my sofa - a husband who reminds me not to get bogged down - cicada shells all over the tree every morning - caroline asking ' are you happy, mommy?' - two birthday parties to distract brothers who are getting sick of each other - finally feeling well enough to exercise again - a leaf stuck to caroline's dew-soaked sneaker as it pumps high in the air above her swing - carrot cake - a quiet house, with coffee, slicing apples for pie - a birthday party with sushi for the grown-ups - peppermint soap - caroline and cole laughing uncontrollably at something their big brother said - sitting outside the boys' room with my book as they fall asleep, the smell of tim's fried chicken making its way up the stairs, the big clock downstairs chiming eight o'clock - a week of sunny days in the forecast - little legs in black leggings running wildly in the setting sun - cleaning cake frosting off my camera - ham and egg biscuits and pumpkin doughnuts - tiny little girl underpants with pink lace trim - a child's capacity for forgiveness - peppermint marshmallows - standing in the warm frame of the storm door looking out at a cold day - cableknit tights - the clutter of christmas decorations - chili cooking long and slow - peppermint buttercream icing - long snuggles with cole on the couch - caroline's vanna white hand gestures - sunday school teachers who love my children - black coffee - caroline's legs folded up like a frog, soles pressed together, while she draws - caroline sneaking back and forth into the kitchen to get chocolate, then breaking off a piece for me when she realizes she's been caught - cole's mismatched pajamas - always that pink tree out front - chicken soup from a friend when i feel like death warmed over - friends from school, church, the neighborhood, showering caroline in cards, gifts, hugs, encouragement, food - cole's constant singing, even when it's heavily focused on poop - little tiny boxer shorts peeking out of little tiny soccer shorts - electricity - the hum of the dryer - the very rare occasion when chase will let me hold on to him - caroline's lisp - flipflops - mad men, yes i love it so much i consider it a gift - caroline calling raspberries 'fingerberries' - her tush in hulk underwear - waiting with excitement for the lightning bugs and cicadas - swim practice - breezy nights that don't feel like summer yet - cole's hundreds of insights a day - the end of SOL testing - sweetest friend who showers me in dark chocolate on my birthday - egg biscuits outside on a perfect summer morning - three visits to the pool in one day - black coffee - flipflops - an early morning errand with just chase in the car with me - opening caroline's closet and smelling little chase in there - being told cole's lungs have never sounded better - a firefly strolling up to cole at the pool - scout camp - pizza at the pool - lifeguards who toss my boys in the pool as soon as we arrive - caroline asking what she can do to help me with breakfast (and reminding me so much of my southern grandmothers) - ham biscuits at potluck dinners - the smell of caroline's white summer hair - the way chase presses the top of his head into me when hormones make him weepy - BLTs - chicken salad - peach blackberry cobbler - pecan pralines - princess costumes - ladybugs on window screens - hand-me-down bicycles - jammers on little boys - dawn on my front porch with coffee and the lone cricket song - chocolate chip oatmeal cookie ice cream sandwiches on the deck - breakfast for dinner with the neighborhood kids crowded around my table - chase's doctor - swirls of dragonflies over the soccer field - swim coaches - deafening cicadas - praying mantises - plum juice dripping down our forearms - peach icecream - the way chase smells like a puppy after football practice - a strange slip of my hand with the soap and the sponge at the kitchen sink that mysteriously fills the kitchen with hundreds of tiny floating bubbles - watching caroline lather up her hair with shampoo, her breath halting with concentration - early morning kitchen smelling of bacon and coffee - walking into the house after three hours of errands on a cold day and smelling the faint memory of bacon and coffee - tiny platinum pigtails - the warm that rushes from an open oven door on a 22-degree morning - big fat snowflakes - rgiii and alfred morris - chase's drawings of me in football jerseys and heels, with 'ok' written in a little heart - cole's foreign accent - caroline calling me her best girl - the love dare - impromptu lunch dates for caroline & me - the cop letting me off with a traffic sign violation instead of the speeding ticket i deserve - chocolate, always chocolate - chase snuggling up to me at sunday school without realizing it - tim back at home - caroline telling me daddy says mommy doesn't have a good remembery - the delicious irony of caroline saying 'daddy is the best. actually santa claus is the best, then daddy.' - dirty mittens - wigwam socks - appliance repairmen - finding myself distracted during the rush to pack school lunches by beautiful flowers a friend gave me - listening to the boys discuss school goings-on as i stand by the pancake griddle - sipping coffee at the table, watching a dove perched on the grill outside as she listens to a suitor's call - my husband's quiet manner in the morning because he's too sweet to tell us all how truly grouchy he is - cole's piano accompaniment to my breakfast dishes each morning - breakfast alone on the deck early in the morning while jet lagged children sleep - the startle of a fat squirrel leaping from the crepe myrtle to see what's in my cereal bowl - caroline's brown arms covered in blonde peach fuzz - cole's one extra big brown eye - baby snake under our porch - regular old cicadas - free boxes of ice cream sandwiches from the grocery store for finishing our summer reading goals - giant slugs - friends coming home from augusts away - summer camp counselors - new windows - september weather in august - backyard campfires - mike 'n' ikes - bob harper - bacon and eggs and buttery toast with sleepover guests - crickets - never getting tired of breakfast on the deck - hearing cole's piano scales drift up through the vents - summer thrillers - chopping up apples and dates for steel cut oatmeal on a quiet cold november morning - the 'neighborhood' in the boys' room - OUR neighborhood - caroline collecting acorns and pine cones to make a winter scene in her room - cole's bony shoulder blades curled up on my lap - a kitchen island - mild augusts - cole calling big bird his first celebrity siting - neighbors who bring me pumpkin donuts - a soccer teammate's mother dropping off dinner just because she was in the neighborhood - late summer dinner with friends on a back porch - chase's big bone-crushing hugs - cole's bed - seven glorious hours alone - pumpkin biscotti - that feeling in your chest when the wind rustles fall leaves ...

Chase, Cole and Caroline

Saturday, September 04, 2010

What happened to my babies?

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